Help Line

Story Samples

“Hi, you’ve reached the help line for Sleuther Central, the online resource for all of your hacking needs. This is Jim speaking. How can I help you today?”

“Hey, you said your name was Jim?”

“Yep, that’s me. What can I do for you?”

“Jim, I’ve been having all kinds of problems this last couple of days, and I’m not even really sure where to start.”

“Okay, how about we start at the beginning. Have you purchased any of our products?”

“Yeah, I bought your Hacker Deluxe package a few days ago, but I can’t really get anything working!”

“Ah, I see. As you know, we fully support all of our hacking products during your subscription period, so I should be able to assist you today. Let me just access your account. Can you give me your login credentials?”

“Yes, the account is under LovesToSpoon69.”

“Great! Give me a second to pull that up. Do you mind if I call you Spoon?”


“Awesome. Can you give me your password and encryption key as well?”

“…I’m not sure if I should…”

“Ha! Relax, Spoon, I’m only kidding. Here at Sleuther Central, your security and privacy are our chief concern. Remember, you’ll never get an email from us asking for your password, so it’s an easy way to tell if a correspondence is fake.”

“Oh, okay.”

“All right, I’ve got your account pulled up. Can you quickly verify the recovery question you chose for the account? It looks like the question you selected is, ‘What is your mother’s maiden name?’”

“Let me spell it out for you: P-e-n-i-s-m-i-g-h-t-i-e-r. All one word.”

“Ah, I see. ‘Penis mightier.’”

“Actually, it’s, ‘the pen is mightier.’”

“Sorry, the what is what? I was typing.”

“The pen is…never mind.”

“Okay. So, it looks like you bought the Deluxe Hacker package a few days ago, Spoon, so how about you tell me what went wrong. This conversation is being recorded for quality purposes, if that is okay with you.”

“It is.”

“Good, thanks. Go ahead.”

“Okay, so I downloaded your botnet package first.”

“Yeah, I see that on the account. It looks like you activated your thirty free hours.”

“I wanted to get it up and running as fast as possible.”

“Okay, and what were you trying to do with this botnet?”

“My ex-girlfriend started dating a guy who runs a website selling dog treats.”

“I see. So you wanted to deliver a Distributed Denial of Service attack on his website and bring him offline?”

“Actually, I was hoping to deliver a Permanent Denial of Service attack, but that option was grayed out in the menu.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, but Permanent Denial of Service attacks are only available at the Super Deluxe and Mega Hacker plan levels.”


“Yes, it’s in the fine print.”

“Oh, I didn’t read down that far.”

“The wording can be kind of tricky, but unfortunately your plan only includes standard denial of service.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“I’m sorry. But, don’t worry, a denial of service should still be sufficient to ruin the new boyfriend’s business. If you keep him offline for a few days and he loses all of his business, he’ll be forced to shut down. A DDoS acts like a PDoS attack if used correctly.”

“Oh, that’s good to know. I’ll have to try that.”

“Glad I could help. Was that the only issue?”

“No, I actually had a problem with your spam software as well. I made an email I hoped to send, but it keeps saying my profile is incomplete and won’t let me deliver it to my email list.”

“Okay. Do you mind if I access your account for this?”

“No, go right ahead.”

“Okay…I see your email here. Mmhmm, yes, okay…looks like you were planning to impersonate the IRS for social security and credit card numbers?”

“With tax season coming up, I thought it would make me some good money.”

“I think it will bring you quite a haul. The email looks professional. As you know, we are an industry leader in spam emails, with thousands of clean IP addresses to deliver spam in a timely manner.”

“Yes, that’s why I decided to go with your company.”

“We appreciate that. We are always innovating, and if you like I can show you how to deliver spam through your own botnet. It’s one of our newest services and isn’t even rolled out to the public yet.”

“Wow! That would be great!”

“Okay, Spoon, so while I’m looking at your account, it looks like it won’t let you send your spam because you forgot to put in the ‘target demographics’ information.”

“Oh, I didn’t know I needed that.”

“Yes, we use it for your reporting dashboard to show how well the campaign is running. We track your click-through and conversion rates so you know how many people you’ve successfully scammed. What would you like me to put in for your target demographic on this campaign?”

“Hmm…what would you recommend?”

“With an IRS scam, I would recommend you target the elderly. They usually are the most likely to fall for this sort of email.”

“I was hoping to reach a wider group than just elderly.”

“This is just your ideal demographic to track conversions. The spam will go to everyone you select in your spam email list.”

“Oh, I understand. The Deluxe package comes with ten thousand email addresses, right?”

“Yes. But, since you were having trouble with our program I’m going to bump you up to the thirty-thousand level. How does that sound?”

“Awesome! That is very kind of you. So my spam will go to thirty thousand email addresses, now?”

“Yes, but remember you can upgrade at any time. I’d recommend the platinum level if you want to run multiple campaigns simultaneously. It’s our best annual value.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks, Jim!”

“No problem. Was there anything else I can help you with today?”

“Actually, there was one other thing. The Deluxe package comes with a trial ransomware software, but I have to say I’m kind of new to this whole ‘ransom’ thing and haven’t gotten around to using it yet.”

“Oh, yes, our ransomware is the fastest growing new product on the market, and it’s actually a lot simpler to use than you might think.”

“Yeah, it looked intriguing.”

“It was developed and perfected in the Ukraine and only recently reached the international market. Basically, all you need to do is pick a computer, from your botnet or elsewhere, put in the time of day you want to start the encryption and then just let our automated software take care of it for you.”

“It’s that easy?”

“It’s that easy. Our software will go into the recipient’s computer and lock all of their files with your custom encryption key. It specifically targets important documents like receipts and family photos to increase the likelihood of the recipient paying your ransom.”

“Oh, that’s cool. But, it says that the program can only accept bitcoin. What if I wanted to use a different currency?”

“Bitcoin is the number one ransom currency in the world, so it is our default. There are a few other crypto currencies you can use, but we would need to upgrade your package to access them.”

“Oh no, it’s okay. I’m fine using bitcoin. I guess I was just afraid of using the trial version because it sounds like something police would really want to stop.”

“It’s actually been used many times against police precincts to encrypt and ransom case files. The FBI recommends cities and townships pay the ransom instead of investigating.”

“No kidding?”

“No. I can send you a brochure with a number of case studies from all around the US, including Detroit and Tennessee. Teams have ransomed data for upward of a million dollars from these cities.”

“Wow, I had no idea!”

“And, if you upgrade your subscription during the trial period, you can do up to three ransoms a month.”

“How often do people pay?”

“It usually depends on how poor they are. Not everyone pays because of cloud backups.”

“Ah, stupid cloud.”

“I know. But, if you can find people who don’t know a lot about saving files or password protection, you can lock them out of their files and sell their own treasured moments back to them for a hefty profit.”

“This sounds amazing.”

“It is. This is the future, and people can make an excellent living using our software. I know a guy who quit his job to just use ransomware and pulls in six figures.”

“I’m starting to see the potential.”

“Was there anything else I could help you with today?”

“No, I think you’ve answered all of my questions.”

“Great! If you wouldn’t mind, there’s going to be a survey after this call, so before I let you go, is there anything else I can do for you to make this a five-star experience?”

“No, Jim, I’m completely happy with your service.”

“Thanks, Spoon! After you complete the survey you’re going to get a code to download our new Script Kitty podcast where you will learn tips and tricks on installing key loggers and activate phone microphones remotely.”

“Oh wow, that’s really cool! I could use that to spy on my ex even more!”

“Awesome! I’m glad I could be of service. Thanks for calling Sleuther Central, and you have a four-oh-four worthy day!”